The Worldwide Weblog of Donald Pincher

by Joshua Gaskell

The WEBMASTER to the READER

I am the WEBMASTER, and it is I who will be presenting to you, READER, the private journal of Donald Pincher, aspiring author. How I came to be possessed of it is no concern of yours. And in any case, if I did go about to tell you by what accident I obtained covert access to the file, it would in this unbelieving age pass for little more than the cant or jargon of the blogosphere. Suffice it to say that he types Journal.doc on his computer (Windows ME) and, in his careless cyber-luddism, has left open a pathway vulnerable to exploitation by those of us who know the ways of data capture. Pincher is a pious, small-c-conservative young fogey of the leftmost wing. He lives unfashionably in the London district of Forest Hill SE23, and devotes his life to writing entries in his Oxford Urban Dictionary, trying to find someone willing to publish his novel – five-hundred pages of relentless socialist manifesto masquerading as literature – and to being fruitlessly apoplectic about the price of things in the capital. A privacy obsessive, much of his novel consists of (in equal measure) decrying the dangers of the Internet age, and mocking its pretentions. Which is why I thought it would be funny for him to write his own blog, even if it is one that he doesn’t know he’s writing. Though the automatic-upload macro I’ve attached to Pincher’s journal makes me something of a deistical Prime Mover, I will occasionally deign to intervene in ‘the cool of the day’ (to footnote, to hyperlink, to tag, or otherwise curate). To this end you will know me by my dark-blue font. Without further ado, I present to you what I’ve chosen to dub, in the idiom of its unwitting BLOGGER, The Worldwide Weblog of Donald Pincher

Saturday, 5th March 2016

EU | euw, n. and int.

Pronunciation: /ˌiːˈjuː/, /ˈiːjuː/
Etymology: An imitative or expressive formation.

1. The European Union.
2. Used as an emphatic expression, chiefly of disgust.

Wednesday, 24th February 2016

Mars plastic, n.

Pronunciation: /mɑːz ˈplastɪk/
Etymology: < the name of Staedtler Mars GmbH & Co. KG or Mars Confections Limited (later Mars, Inc.).

1. An eraser or rubber manufactured by the German company Staedtler.
2. The main ingredient of Mars bars.

Friday, 19th February 2016

Rehashtag, v.

Pronunciation: /ˌriːˈhaʃtaɡ/
Etymology: < blend of rehash v. + hashtag n.

(On social media websites and applications) to reuse an old hashtag without change or improvement.

Thursday, 18th February 2016

When reporting on the EU renegotiation and Donald Tusk, some news readers say /tʌsk/ as in busk and some say /tʊsk/ as in brusque. I imagine David Cameron renders it more like tsk (/ʇ/), the alveolar click formed by suction and expressing commiseration, disapproval, or irritation.

Saturday, 30th January 2016

On ID’ing: the idea is that you shouldn’t be able to buy booze until you’re eighteen regardless of how you look. But what’s wrong with a seventeen-year-old who’s developed enough to look twenty-two being served and a seventeen-year-old who looks seventeen being turned away? The age you look is probably as good an indicator of how ready you are for alcohol as is the age you actually are.

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