Tuesday, 14th July 2015

by Joshua Gaskell

I propose that the sincerity of food and drinks manufacturers be tested by looking at the ways in which they market products with regard to what this implies about their other products. For example, if low-fat Hellmann’s mayonnaise is ‘Lighter than Light’, then presumably that makes his full-fat version ‘Heavier than Heavy’; if, on the other hand, the full-fat is ‘Real’, then that makes the low-fat variety ‘Fake’. Light is not the opposite of real. One or the other, Herr Hellmann, not both.

To this end, I would welcome the following appearing on the shelves:

  • Coke Thirty-Nine™ (per cent of today’s sugar)*
  • Really Sugary Pepsi™
  • Heinz Pesticidal Beans™
  • Pointless Waitrose™
  • Tesco Worst™
  • Branston Derivative Chunk™
  • Lurpak Rock-Hard™ (a.k.a. Bread-Renderer™)
  • Duchy Originals Poor and Watery Unnatural Yoghurt™

* The slogan of Coke Zero is, ‘Because You Don’t Know Zero™ ‘Til You’ve Tried It.’ Clearly the marketing managers at the Coca-Cola Company don’t know zero, or they’d know what an apostrophe looks like, and that till and until are separate words.